Maybe I’m the only one. Perhaps this feeling only affects a few and these feelings I’m getting out will seem foreign to everyone else.
Do you ever have a feeling you were made for something more?
In going about my day to day life, I have this underlying feeling that I was made for something more. I was made for something different. That somehow, I’ve missed my “calling”.
I’m a perfectionist. I’m a “If you are going to do it, do it right and do it well” kind of person. You’ll see me usually busting myself to do whatever I’m doing, well. I’d like to think it’s because I’m doing it for the Lord, but its probably a combination of pride, and a need to be significant.
Have you ever heard the saying “jack-of-all-trades, but master of none”? That’s me. I have always been able to do average to above average on almost everything I’ve ever set my mind to. I’ll research, I’ll try and try and try, failing until I succeed, I’ll ask questions and do it until its done and I’m so proud! I’ll sit in the success and think “This is it! I’ve finally found my thing “.
After a while I find, however, there’s always someone better than me. There’s always someone who knows more and does a better job. And that thing that I was so excited about, now has grown dim until it no longer lights a fire in me and I become discouraged and I give up. “That’s not my thing” I tell myself and I move on.
My infertility was painful, but not as painful or as extraordinary as those I know. So there’s no reason to talk about it.
My marriage went through some tough spots and survived, but not as tough as those I know, so I can’t really compare or give advice.
My birth story was a nightmare to me and we came through, but there are other’s whose birth story was more difficult.
I capture images of beautiful families, but I don’t do as many as I’d want or have the highest tech equipment there is.
I write blogs about life and renovation, but there is no more renovation to be had and no more money for it. And let’s face it, I’m not an excellent writer.
I started and stopped writing lots of pieces of work because its hard and my words fall flat of accomplishing what I was hoping for them to inspire.
Even now, as I write this, I have thoughts in my imagination about what would happen if this went viral. I’d be someone. I’d be recognized. I’d feel important.
The search for significance is real. At least, it is for me. I want to feel needed, wanted, loved, important, irreplaceable, inspiring. I want to be an expert, someone others look to for advice, wisdom, and to be excellent at my thing.
I find however, emptiness in my never ending quest for my thing. A desire never quenched, a dream never realized, a wandering of sorts.
Being a Christian, my thoughts always drift back to my world-view. What does God say about my significance? What does God say about my thing? What did he create me for?
Matthew 10: 29-31
29 Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care. 30 And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. 31 So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.
The hairs on my head are numbered. The God of the universe knows the smallest sparrow, so of course he would know me.
Psalm 139:1-16 (emphasis added by me)
1 You have searched me, Lord,
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you, Lord, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
God saw me at my creation. No matter where I go, he is there. He knows me.
Romans 5:8 – 8 But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
Not only does God know me, but he loved me.
So, if I truly believe like I say that I do, and I turn to what God says about me, regardless of my talents or lack thereof, I am significant.
Jesus, in his very nature, who was equal to God, according to Philippians 2 6-8, “did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage, rather he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant…he humbled himself…”
I am significant because of who God is and what Jesus did. And in my significance, I am humbled. God does not require of me to be excellent with one thing. If I truly understand His sacrifice, then it requires me to be humble. To spend the rest of my life making much of Him. My significance comes not by realizing who I am, but by realize who He is and what He did.
What I am most passionate about? What is my one thing that brings my life significance? Jesus. My own self importance seems so small in comparison to Jesus.
And instead of coming to me for wisdom and excellence, look through me, and see him.